The Rising Tide

In the oceanic waves and strong current there was a freedom because letting go and not fighting meant I could store up more strength. The journey God was preparing me for was soon becoming obvious and the difference between Gods light and the counterfeit was fast approaching. I needed my strength. Isaiah 4:6 ~ Psalm 107:29

Baby Maggie was born in 2005 and she was like a sweetness to my soul. A tiny daughter so feminine and pure. After her arrival I felt in my soul that my childbearing had been completed. We moved to Asheville, North Carolina to start anew and leave behind what seemed like a bloody battlefield. My wonderful boys, Drew and Christian remained home to finish high school with their friends. As much as I wanted them to move with us, I wanted them to be where they wanted to be. Sometimes love looks beyond the self and defies tradition and conventionality. Love is often broader in scope than the limited definitions we adhere to it. Ephesians 3: 14-21.

Oh how I longed for the traditional safe life. The nuclear family in a neat package. Why was this eluding me at every step? What were these destructive forces against me and my children? Why so much heartache and loss? God what is happening? Numbers 14-18~ Exodus 20:5~ Hosea 4:6. These questions get answered later. Asheville was such a beautiful, majestic place surrounded by mountains and beautiful natural landscape, a place of resting and discovering new people and things. A time to breathe. A much needed pause.

The tides quickly changed again and we were moving to Kentucky to be closer to my then husband’s family. I quickly discovered with fewer distractions and a beautiful landscape it was easier to hear the voice of God. John 8:47 says ” He that is of God heareth Gods words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God”. I soon began to take in the natural surroundings and also began a job at Appalachian Regional Hospital. I started on the ICU step down unit. My very first day involved death and sadness and I was not feeling prepared to rise to the challenge. The fragility in my own spirit from the losses thus far in my life could be felt with the atmosphere of sickness and death and quite frankly God, this was just too heavy. I began to protest to God that I cannot do this and if you really want me here then I need a confirmation or I am out.

The very next day while in the supply room I noticed all over boxes were the number 444 in big purple marker. Stunned and amazed I knew God was answering me. He clearly spoke to me and said ” You are not here for yourself you are here for them.” I was not going to let Him down this time like I had so many times before. My resolve was made to stay the course and obey. The rewards were not financial in nature they were rewards to the spiritual and strength building process that was underway. I was still a broken, battered starfish and I was meeting so many others, at the end of life or very close. The seriousness of the mission was ever present as to be a light in the dark and a tender voice in the madness. One occasion,a beautiful soul who had grown up severely oppressed by poverty thanked me and took the necklace off of her neck and gave it to me. With tears of humility and gratitude I was not going to deny her the opportunity to give. Honestly, that may have been her only necklace and it was an honor. There were many opportunities to be stretched to my capacity and to minister to others. I sat with a convicted murderer as I listened to his story and of his redemption. Who was I to judge I was a passive bystander in the death of my unborn son. One evening, I was pulled off the floor into the room of a young man who had attempted an overdose. I was to sit with him. As God would have it- a pastor was called and the three of us stayed up all night talking. The battle of Good and evil was becoming more apparent before my eyes and it was building an unknown drive inside of me. But to do what? Ephesians 4:12 ~ Hebrews 12:11.

4-4 and 4%

Isaiah 55:8 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, Saith the LORD.

April is the month that we see new life springing up everywhere. We hope for a better tomorrow and we look for signs of life. April is the month my son would have been born. During my counseling -as part of closure -we had a ceremony to give him dignity. According to my estimate, from a 16 year old’s memory, his due date would have been April 26th, 1986. The name I chose for him is Paul Daniel. I prayed and asked the Lord to show me what my child was and sure enough, of all places, in Jungle Jim’s I turned the corner and there he was, My heart stopped and I was stunned at what I believed God showed me- a replica.

At my next counseling session with Cathy I told her what happened. She said ” yes” without fail every woman she has ever counseled that asked God- was revealed to them the sex and sometimes the name of their child. I was amazed and grateful to know but deeply sad that I never held him in my arms. Did I just make all this up in my head to cope with an excruciating reality? Here is the answer….

This past Wednesday I was feeling the need to share with my son, Drew, on the phone, that his brother would be 34 at the end of this month. I was sharing with Drew to honor his memory. I said that he must have something to do with everything going on and that I am sure he loves us. Drew hit the apple phone like and we ended our conversation. The next morning, April 4, I went to work as usual. I was feeling emotional from seeing the movie Unplanned and the contact that I had with Paul’s father earlier in the week. We have not seen each other or spoken in probably 25 years. He said he has had many “what ifs”? over the years and we have agreed to meet and talk to help with healing for both of us.

I was standing there and a young man walked in and he said he needed a new badge. I said “Okay” lets go back in the room where I make them and he handed me his badge and the name said Paul. In my spirit I felt something. Not a common or popular name and you don’t see it with young men much at all. Next thing my daughter Maggie is texting me to say ” Mom my phone has 4% left and my charger isn’t working” Oh no, I usually get a text when she is at the bus stop and with 4% left I couldn’t chance it, so I drove home and went in the house. No book bag. School lunch out of the fridge. No Maggie. She went to the bus stop and I would need to Trust God that she made it safely. Something beckoned me to go downstairs and even open the bathroom door and there on the shower floor was a balloon..It said ” Happy Birthday”. The balloon was left over from my son Christian’s 28th birthday and had made it’s way downstairs. I had just taken a shower in there- and it was NOT there the previous evening.

I was taken aback and feeling strange. I got in my car and drove the quarter mile back to work and went in. Then more contractors. I made his badge, he was from a company called Daniels. I was stunned and overcome by emotion. Two contractors that spell Paul Daniel and a ‘Happy Birthday’ balloon to boot. All this on 4-4 with a phone on 4%. Yes, again 444. My God showed me Paul’s birthday is on 4/4. I was so emotional I almost didn’t make it through the day. Two people commented on the look of my face. I couldn’t hide my emotion and the shock and awe of God’s sovereign hand on my life. I felt like I was in the twilight zone. Finally, the longest day ever was over and it was time to go home. I picked up Maggie so we could buy a new charger but first a trip to Verizon for my son, Christian. I walked up to the counter and gave him my name and the lady to the left of me said ” Do you know so and so”? I said “yes I do” and then she asked ” Do you know my daughter Rebecca”? I said “yes she gave me my Starfish pendant at work.” “Her mother said Rebecca told her about our meeting and how it touched her. This was the day I prayed for confirmation about starting this blog that I was given the Starfish pendant which I had on in the store. This sealed the deal.

I asked Maggie if she wanted to go get some birthday cupcakes so we could honor her brother and she said “yes”. We had a small honoring of him and I prayed with gratitude to a Mighty personal God. Later that evening, Maggie said her phone was charged to 100% and didn’t think she needed her new charger, She was not sure what happened but I know…He is 100% Real and His ways are higher than our ways.

Hebrews 2:4 ” God also bearing them witness, both with signs and wonders, and with divers miracles, and gifts of the Holy Ghost. according to His own will?”

Hebrews 1:3 ” The son radiates God’s own glory and expresses the very character of God, and He sustains everything by the mighty power of His command.”

God loves us all so much with a deep, personal love that is eternal. He will heal your heart and hold your hand. ~ Isaiah 41:13 ~ Jeremiah 29:11 ~ Psalm 34:18

From Storm to Tsunami

Matthew 8:24 26-27 ~ Psalm 107:29~ Luke 8:24-25 ~ Nahum 1:3

In the sea of raging waters the storm can become a Tsunami. In the sea I encountered many other starfish, they too were without an arm or two. I was seeing this become a common reality that almost made this pain seem like some kind of normal. A real messed up ” Normal”. What kind of world is this anyway ? I would wonder as crisis and pain were surrounding me on all fronts. Trauma bonds form in the dark places with old and new faces. I was a starfish clinging to other starfish because we understood one another. We were all wounded and needed a place to regenerate. We were all encountering the sea monsters who wished to devour our very being… Just clinging to the next life raft or be devoured. Eventually, I became pregnant with another baby. I was 18. And this baby was NOT going to be taken from me in any way. I married the father even though we were not compatible for marriage. Pressure again decided my path.

In the spring of 1989 my dad’s lawsuit was won and that hardship was laid to rest. Or was it? My son was a 4 month old at the time and he was the absolute joy and reason for me to smile. He had such a deep belly laugh that would soothe my soul. He was the best healing balm anyone could ever hope for. I took him everywhere and proudly displayed him for the world to see. The most precious of Gods gifts- a child. Twenty- Seven months later My second beautiful son was born and blessed me again with the gift of motherhood. My discovery was being made that I had a natural bent to motherhood and that babies enhance your life by their very presence. They inspire parts of you that are dormant until their arrival. The transformation they bring is welcoming for someone who has the desire to nurture and teach. I was trying very hard to become the domesticated mother and wife but this effort takes two for a strong foundation to grow. The marriage failed and I was carrying now more wounds and a void so deep I was drowning. I left the marriage in an unhealthy way for someone who had been a unique part of my early adolescent years. I believed this carried with it the promise of a fresh beginning and a reset button. He had been my first kiss at age 12 and I was hoping that he would have been my last. The complications of my dads cocaine addiction and recovery attempt and the fallout from the lawsuit stress were a noose on my heart. The unhealed abortion grief and my parents 27 year marriage falling apart, then my mother moving away left me burning on reserves that I simply did not have. We gave 10 long and hard fought years to our relationship- 3 of which were married years. We finally broke under the weight of the constant barrage of challenges and trials. We took care of frail grandparents together on each side of our families. We grew, we fought- we shed many tears -it was heavy -and it broke. So much death, loss and destruction.

At the lowest point the enemy likes to come in like an angel of light. I was introduced to New Age beliefs. These things seemed like love and light but they were counterfeit. They promised answers and peace but never mentioned Jesus. I read book after book digging for something I would never find. I consulted astrologers for answers that would leave me unfulfilled. I was on a desperate quest for healing and looking in all the wrong places. During one of my astrology sessions the astrologer said to me that I had Jesus in the room with me and the hand signature of Elohim Himself on my life. Mind Blowing. I guess during all those fruitless searches He wasn’t going to let go and I am so grateful He didn’t.

At the tail end of my second marriage ending, A man came into my life, again without looking and again with the promise of a new beginning. I just simply didn’t stop to think if this was smart or not. I don’t think I even cared. I wanted to have love and happiness and I really wanted another child. By now my boys were 13 and 15 and I was approaching the age of that window closing. I believed this was that opportunity. He proposed in 6 weeks and we were married. I was pregnant with my daughter 2 months later. And there she was. My little girl. God Blessed me again in June 2005.

The Beginning of Survival

Psalm 34:18 ~ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

How does one articulate into words what it feels like to be at the beginning of 16 years of age in the backseat of a car laying down after the most violent invasive procedure. Innocence devastated. Soul Crushed. Heart shattered. Spirit Broken. Mind Altered. These types of wounds are not for a young sixteen year old girl. What does the self do in order to survive such bone crushing pain? How does a young, smart, intelligent, beautiful girl pretend she is still intact? How does a Catholic girl ( no longer Catholic) return to her Catholic School and face her now ruined life? How does she sit in religion class while your aunt is showing pictures of dismembered babies because she is a leader in the pro life movement? How do you look at the priests with sin written in blood all over your sullen, broken face?

How do you pretend everything is Ok? Feeling guilty for even breathing or laughing. How do you look at little babies in strollers or family gatherings KNOWING full well I was carrying life inside of me. Why did I believe the lies that were told to me? Why did fear have its ugly way with me? Why

could I not focus on anything but trying to be my pre -abortion self. The everyday state of living in a personal 911- and I was my own paramedic. A broken, soul bleeding 16 year old -trying to save herself and glue herself together everyday. Do you know how exhausting that is? Everything I believed about myself and my life GONE in one day and the precious life inside of me with it. See the connection? Grief, bone crushing grief and the guilt of being a passive participator in my baby’s undeserved death. I may have been immature in some respects but the very evolved part of me knew this was so wrong and so unnatural.

I slowing began talking myself into believing the lie because suffering was becoming too much and I needed to feel whole so desperately. So I began to try to believe the few close friends that knew my secret -that I was still a good person. I accepted the forgiveness from my boyfriend who was the baby’s father. I told him approximately 2 months after the fact. I was told not to tell him before the abortion. He knew something was wrong with me by my personality change and behavior. I told him the truth and he said ” I would have never wanted you to do that”. “I know you would have NEVER done that on your own”. The power of persuasion is apparently strong in a 16 year old’s life and for anyone paralyzed in fear -and for me -wanting to please the adults who are raising you.

So I survived my junior year.. barely -and still sneaking to see my boyfriend because some bonds do not break so easily. Contrary to the minds of many fools- the intellect does not surpass the heart. At the same time my life was unraveling -so was the father of my child’s, He was getting deeper into drugs and behaviors that were far from life affirming. I am sure that the abortion drove him deeper into these choices which is supported by the data we have available and the testimony of a great guy I went to high school with- who shared with me the devastating effects of abortion behind his back while in college. You see.. abortion has a huge destructive ripple effect in our society and changes Generations. Permanently. Grief is not a one size fits all and abortion carries with it an added component which qualifies it as a complex grief. Grief has no life span and it can last forever until we are in the arms of Yeshua our Lord and Savior. NEVER tell someone to “Get Over It”. Never say that. It was said to me many times and I will tell you I do not have a close loving relationship with those individuals and they are my family members. Where there is no compassion and empathy and love relationships die. Yeshua demonstrated the greatest act of love and compassion, while we were still sinners he willingly laid down His life in the most selfless act. That is the love I now cling to everyday and He has breathed new life into me. It is in Him we live. ~ Romans 5:8.

I managed to graduate High School and I felt so relieved , no longer did I have to keep up the daily front. I was now free to…drum roll…survive some more. What I now know about my precious young girl self is that I had a form of ptsd called PAS. Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. You see trauma changes the brain and this is pure science. Please forgive yourself- all who have suffered this, it was truly out of your hands and ability to fix. However, Yeshua our Lord and Savior is the ultimate healer. ~ Isaiah 53:5.

My religion was shattered as a result of this and my spiritual self needed healing where did I turn? I will share this on my next post because the journey into Yeshua’s arms is a winding one…

I Loved You at Your Darkest

Romans 5:8

So Humility is making its way in my life…the ideal Montessori student as told by my teacher, the dancer -13 years of class, piano lessons, basketball, volleyball, cheer leading, a little bit of soccer too! Swim team and tennis. I would say I had a pretty well rounded group of interests. I was involved in 4-H, brownies and girl scouts and started singing at a very young age. I developed singer nodules on my throat at age 6 and was told by the doctor to keep my voice down to let them heal, or else they would have to be surgically removed. The thought of that terrified me…so my singing career ended before it began. Ha. I was also very trusting and naive, I took people at their word. One evening I was at a football game in the eighth grade and was asked by a girl to stay after the game because she wanted to talk to me, I agreed as all my friends left and walked across the street to McDonald’s. The reward for my trust was a black eye. Humility! I went to school with a black eye and was teased and called “Rocky”. I didn’t even hit her back, it just wasn’t in me. Why did this stranger want to hurt me I thought?

I struggled a bit in school, remember I am a Montessori student. Not a traditional one! However, I managed to get mostly A’s and a B or two. Now enters High School and a Catholic one at that. Again, uniforms and silly rules. (to me anyway). I didn’t always want to wear Kelly green socks you see I liked Hunter green, so demerits for Christy. I liked a button down collar not a peter pan collar- more demerits. I liked to talk! More demerits! So here I am in my freshman year and a cheerleader for the last time. The overwhelming feeling of such a big school now and with Seniors. More homework and responsibility. Oh and did I mention my dad ran for Judge and was slandered with malice in the local newspaper and my family was feeling the strain of the blow. My dad was suing the local newspaper, his reputation which was a very favorable one was shattered by lies. Humility! The lawsuit carried on all the way through high school and was taken to the Supreme Court of the United States where my father won unanimously and set a landmark for malice which is now taught in law school. Very. Big .Deal.

It was now my Sophomore year and there He was standing at the locker..the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen, ( except my dad). Tall, dark and so mysteriously handsome. A smile that told me he liked what he saw too. Later that same evening I received a call from one of my best guy friends and sure enough He was interested. He was 2 years older and a star football player. We soon were in a relationship and I believed I had fallen in love. He said he loved me too. The song he gave me was “Thank You” by Led Zeppelin. Hard to listen to even now, innocent love leaves its mark. A knee injury robbed him of his full ride football scholarship and set him on another course. We were growing apart as the pressures in our lives were mounting, but we could not stay away from one another. The beginning of my junior year I discovered I was pregnant…….Insert the sounds of a train wrecking at full speed. I had just turned 16. I was NOT supposed to be having sex …and I was at a Catholic High School. I was terrified to say the least.

The day I told them was horrible and terrifying beyond words. I stayed in my room and would not look at my dad for 2 days. Then the verdict, appointments were made. A one time appointment to a psychologist, I have no memory of that appointment only other than I did go. I was living in a non reality and “He” had no idea. I was isolated in fear. I wanted so much to stop the whole thing but I didn’t know how. I felt like I lost my voice, and it wasn’t because of singer nodules this time. I was a captive to fear. Fear is not good and I was paralyzed in it. I vaguely remember the building, but it was ugly and it felt like death, I was in a nightmare that I wish to God I could have awakened from. I was in the room with the nurses and the man, ( the doctor). My anxiety was tremendous, she held my hand and I cried and shook, it was terribly painful. I don’t know how I made it to the restroom. I was crying and violently ill… I thought I could die right there. And guess what? a big part of me did. ~ Romans 6:23.

Gods Love

I have not been able to decide what to write in regards to telling my story. I have so much to say. So for now while I am waiting for those words I want to tell anyone reading this how much God loves you. How much He wants to spend eternity with you. Do you know that is where our children are? They are with God. Do you know by believing that Jesus died for you on the cross and rose from the dead to save us all from sin and death that we have life and have it more abundantly? This life is but a vapor but eternity is forever. This life was not supposed to be easy. We live in a fallen world. We all have sinned. It is by the love of God that we can return to Him and the only way is through Jesus Christ. Know that He wants you unconditionally, and will help you heal and have peace. Know that all of your tears are not lost. ~Psalm 56:8. ~ Matthew 16:21 ~ John 3:16 ~ John 10:10 ~ John 4:6

Know that you are so loved.

The God Who Answers

1 Thessalonians 5 16-18 ~ 1 John 5:14 ~ John 15-16 ~ James 5:16

This journey of telling the truth has just begun and my human knees have been knocking . The moment of “I can’t believe I am really doing this” telling the story of the darkest moment in my life. My abortion at 16. The reality is sinking in that I am now actually doing what my beautiful counselor Cathy said she saw me doing one day in 2013, it is just hard to believe that the future is now here. Years of solitude, more wise counsel and the loving encouragement of the support team God has placed in my life has given me a measure of courage. The other element in this is that the choice was not mine and to gently tell the truth without causing more harm is the goal. The truth about the devastating effects needs to be told. I cannot keep silent because there are many who do. Many need to know they are Not alone.

This past week I was getting ready for work and having an inner dialogue and conversation with God. I was truthfully feeling alone and vulnerable and without the pat on the back of the human kind I was assuring myself that “Yes God I know you are with me and I know that I have your approval” about that moment when those thoughts were ending I was standing at the elevator door at work and I looked over to the left and there was a large canister with a box in it with the serial number 444 on it. Big and Bold. Underneath the number it said- water flow indicator. Living water! ( Isaiah 49:10) This number has been a reoccurring number for me since the 1990’s and it brings a great peace. I discovered I was born at 4:44 p.m. on my birth certificate and the numbers have never stopped showing up at profound moments in the over 2 decades since the revelation. I had essentially asked and needed God’s confirmation on this path that I am on and He answered me immediately like so many times in the past. The very next day at work an employee came in to have a new badge made. She began disassembling her badge and I looked and there was a small gold starfish sitting there. I asked her “Is that a starfish?” she said “yes” and I said ” I believe God has just answered me again” and proceeded to tell her about this blog and the name of it and that I would feel happy if it helped just one! Just like the Starfish Story we are mostly all familiar with. With tears in her eyes she handed me her pin and said” I want you to have it.” Her manager had just a couple of days prior given them to his employees and told them the Starfish Story. Coincidence?

After work that same day I went to my daughter’s basketball game and again was sitting there thinking to myself ” God I hope you are proud of me for doing this” and at that very moment a balloon came across the gymnasium and stopped and descended right down in front of me and the balloon said “Congratulations”. A boy quickly ran out on the court and grabbed it as the game was in play. Coincidence? After the game, I was at the gas station and went inside to pay. There was a man standing in front of me with two Monster drinks on the counter. The cashier said ” Sir I am sorry these are not two for $4.44 anymore.” Now understand this happens to me all the time and you can ask anyone who knows me, but I was even blown away. Again. ~ John 4:44

God answered me and showed me undoubtedly He is intimately involved and that is all I need to know. So please know if you have been led to this it is truly God and I pray this will help you in your journey of healing and growth and restoration. I met with Cathy my Forgiven and Set Free counselor yesterday as well. It has been almost 3 years since I have seen her and what a happy moment for us both ! I am looking forward to how this will continue to unfold and how God will bless all of us in this! ~ 2 Peter 3:9 ~ Acts 10:24

We Have a Destiny

How does one find them self writing about one of the most terrible things Satan has schemed up? that which is abortion. In my case I believe it was Gods plan. I believe the course was set and truthfully my sanity has depended on this belief. I believe He created me with a boldness and a passion for the deeply wounded. I believe he knew I would toss pride and the cultural lies aside and speak His truth. I also know He knew exactly what would happen in my life as He did yours. He sees our sin and generational baggage and longs for us to be Free! John 8:36. ~ Proverbs 20:24 ~ Romans 8:28-29 ~ Jeremiah 29: 11-14, 1:5. ~ 1 Peter 2: 8-9.

Before joining the starfish on the beach I had a different life, from the time I can remember I was full of laughter and joy and a thirst to know everything about everything. As told by my dad I asked so many questions that my mom gave up answering them and just would answer “um hum”. I became so tired of that response and told her if she didn’t stop saying um hum the men in the little white jackets would come and take you away and take your um hum out! I was three years old. In fairness to my parents I may have been a handful. Insert laughter. ~ Proverbs 17:22.

I had amazing childhood friends who I have to this day. One of those friends named Susan and I decided at 4 or 5 years old to drink some beer out of her fathers mini fridge on a blistering hot day. I walked home across the street and took a really long nap. My mom was concerned and called Susan’s mom. “Bea do you know what could be wrong with Christy”? answer: “Yes Martha she and Susan got drunk, “I found the empty cans in the basement.” Susan and I still laugh to this day but I know God was protecting me. (us) Around that same age my brother and I ate a bottle of Flinstones vitamins with iron. We were visiting Fort Hamilton Hospital ER that evening. You see sometimes that boldness and curiosity landed me in trouble.

I also discovered at a young age that I would have dreams that would come true and could clearly see things I shouldn’t see or I thought I should’t anyway. Side note: ( did you know starfish can see in the dark?) This was frightening for a child and fear is not good. Only Fear of the Lord. I loved to dance and sing and would invite all my neighbors to my garage performances. My second grade teacher agreed to let me dance for my whole class…. Really Christy? I guess I thought I was that good…laughing now. ~ Joel 2:28. ~ 1 John 4:18.

Then a sad day. We moved from my idyllic childhood neighborhood. I changed schools too. NO! I didn’t want to. I loved things just the way they were! What now? A catholic school full of nuns, rules and OH MY I had to wear a uniform? My life is over. Oh well I was a kid and what control did I have over anything? Notta. ( borrowed from the Urban Dictionary). ~ Isaiah 46:10

God thought I needed to be infused with a good dose of Heroism too I believe. On an ordinary day.. Me, my brother Danny and my cousin Sarah were sitting in a car on a hill at the Children’s Home. My Aunt worked there and she had to run inside for but a brief moment…. Of course the car was knocked in reverse by a curious child. ( this time not me). We were going backwards in total terror. I do not know what I did but I stopped the car from Who knows what? hitting a tree? going all the way across the road? All my little girl strength sapped in a day…. Time for another nap. ~ Isaiah 43:13

Grade school was a typical experience. Insert Nuns and rules and never feeling religious enough. My gosh how many rosary’s must I say to be good? to be holy? I already knew God loved me and this was just weird. Or did I really know God Loved me? Maybe I want to be a nun when I grow up because that’s how you become holy. Hmm. The inner struggle with faith begins. Am I worthy unconditionally? How must I work to be holy? Answer: On another ordinary day in church my rebellious self couldn’t take it anymore. I was sitting by one of my closest friends in church in the 7th or 8th grade. I felt compelled to tie our shoelaces together because boy that would be so funny right? Joke was on me when we were spontaneously called up in front of church to read and probably sing. We had to learn fast about walking in sync and in one accord. Maybe it was kids like me who made the nuns mean? I don’t know. I am grateful to have not peed my pants because of laughing so hard and for not tripping in front of the entire school and faculty. I escaped that time but… ~ John 13:35

Humility was trailing close behind and it was about to find me….

You May Ask

Why does this girl want to pick up the Starfish and throw them into the water? She wants to because she too is a Starfish. At the age of sixteen I washed up onto the beach and was lying there… a really long time. In the year of 2013 God heard the wounded starfish and began sending Living water to my parched soul. Slowly I am regenerating by the power of His great love. Just like a starfish who has tremendous regenerating power, so do we humans when we allow the Holy Spirit to minister to us.

Why did I lie there so long ? I have asked this many times and can only conclude that God was preparing me for such a time is this. I had to come to the point of understanding my deepest wound and how it brought me into waste places. Depression, self loathing, and an over all loss of a will to fully live. You see I did not deserve to live in my estimation so I kept laying on the beach. Passersby┬ádidn’t understand and if they could see my wounds they surely didn’t know how to fix them. I hoped someone would or could. that was not to be….until my Redeemer rescued me. His name is Jesus Christ. John 3:16.

Stay tuned there is more to come.


So here the journey begins.. this blog is in Honor of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and dedicated to those hearts who have been wounded by abortion.

I see starfish washed up on the beach there are millions. They have missing arms and are parched from the heat. Some have perished in the dryness and blistering sun.

There has been a terrible storm on the earth and they have washed up in need of rescue.

I am the girl who wants to pick them up one by one and toss them back into the water…living water.

Revelation 7:16-17 They shall hunger no more neither thirst any more, neither shall the sun light on them, nor any heat.