I Loved You at Your Darkest

Romans 5:8

So Humility is making its way in my life…the ideal Montessori student as told by my teacher, the dancer -13 years of class, piano lessons, basketball, volleyball, cheer leading, a little bit of soccer too! Swim team and tennis. I would say I had a pretty well rounded group of interests. I was involved in 4-H, brownies and girl scouts and started singing at a very young age. I developed singer nodules on my throat at age 6 and was told by the doctor to keep my voice down to let them heal, or else they would have to be surgically removed. The thought of that terrified me…so my singing career ended before it began. Ha. I was also very trusting and naive, I took people at their word. One evening I was at a football game in the eighth grade and was asked by a girl to stay after the game because she wanted to talk to me, I agreed as all my friends left and walked across the street to McDonald’s. The reward for my trust was a black eye. Humility! I went to school with a black eye and was teased and called “Rocky”. I didn’t even hit her back, it just wasn’t in me. Why did this stranger want to hurt me I thought?

I struggled a bit in school, remember I am a Montessori student. Not a traditional one! However, I managed to get mostly A’s and a B or two. Now enters High School and a Catholic one at that. Again, uniforms and silly rules. (to me anyway). I didn’t always want to wear Kelly green socks you see I liked Hunter green, so demerits for Christy. I liked a button down collar not a peter pan collar- more demerits. I liked to talk! More demerits! So here I am in my freshman year and a cheerleader for the last time. The overwhelming feeling of such a big school now and with Seniors. More homework and responsibility. Oh and did I mention my dad ran for Judge and was slandered with malice in the local newspaper and my family was feeling the strain of the blow. My dad was suing the local newspaper, his reputation which was a very favorable one was shattered by lies. Humility! The lawsuit carried on all the way through high school and was taken to the Supreme Court of the United States where my father won unanimously and set a landmark for malice which is now taught in law school. Very. Big .Deal.

It was now my Sophomore year and there He was standing at the locker..the most gorgeous guy I have ever seen, ( except my dad). Tall, dark and so mysteriously handsome. A smile that told me he liked what he saw too. Later that same evening I received a call from one of my best guy friends and sure enough He was interested. He was 2 years older and a star football player. We soon were in a relationship and I believed I had fallen in love. He said he loved me too. The song he gave me was “Thank You” by Led Zeppelin. Hard to listen to even now, innocent love leaves its mark. A knee injury robbed him of his full ride football scholarship and set him on another course. We were growing apart as the pressures in our lives were mounting, but we could not stay away from one another. The beginning of my junior year I discovered I was pregnant…….Insert the sounds of a train wrecking at full speed. I had just turned 16. I was NOT supposed to be having sex …and I was at a Catholic High School. I was terrified to say the least.

The day I told them was horrible and terrifying beyond words. I stayed in my room and would not look at my dad for 2 days. Then the verdict, appointments were made. A one time appointment to a psychologist, I have no memory of that appointment only other than I did go. I was living in a non reality and “He” had no idea. I was isolated in fear. I wanted so much to stop the whole thing but I didn’t know how. I felt like I lost my voice, and it wasn’t because of singer nodules this time. I was a captive to fear. Fear is not good and I was paralyzed in it. I vaguely remember the building, but it was ugly and it felt like death, I was in a nightmare that I wish to God I could have awakened from. I was in the room with the nurses and the man, ( the doctor). My anxiety was tremendous, she held my hand and I cried and shook, it was terribly painful. I don’t know how I made it to the restroom. I was crying and violently ill… I thought I could die right there. And guess what? a big part of me did. ~ Romans 6:23.

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