Matthew 8:24 26-27 ~ Psalm 107:29~ Luke 8:24-25 ~ Nahum 1:3
In the sea of raging waters the storm can become a Tsunami. In the sea I encountered many other starfish, they too were without an arm or two. I was seeing this become a common reality that almost made this pain seem like some kind of normal. A real messed up ” Normal”. What kind of world is this anyway ? I would wonder as crisis and pain were surrounding me on all fronts. Trauma bonds form in the dark places with old and new faces. I was a starfish clinging to other starfish because we understood one another. We were all wounded and needed a place to regenerate. We were all encountering the sea monsters who wished to devour our very being… Just clinging to the next life raft or be devoured. Eventually, I became pregnant with another baby. I was 18. And this baby was NOT going to be taken from me in any way. I married the father even though we were not compatible for marriage. Pressure again decided my path.
In the spring of 1989 my dad’s lawsuit was won and that hardship was laid to rest. Or was it? My son was a 4 month old at the time and he was the absolute joy and reason for me to smile. He had such a deep belly laugh that would soothe my soul. He was the best healing balm anyone could ever hope for. I took him everywhere and proudly displayed him for the world to see. The most precious of Gods gifts- a child. Twenty- Seven months later My second beautiful son was born and blessed me again with the gift of motherhood. My discovery was being made that I had a natural bent to motherhood and that babies enhance your life by their very presence. They inspire parts of you that are dormant until their arrival. The transformation they bring is welcoming for someone who has the desire to nurture and teach. I was trying very hard to become the domesticated mother and wife but this effort takes two for a strong foundation to grow. The marriage failed and I was carrying now more wounds and a void so deep I was drowning. I left the marriage in an unhealthy way for someone who had been a unique part of my early adolescent years. I believed this carried with it the promise of a fresh beginning and a reset button. He had been my first kiss at age 12 and I was hoping that he would have been my last. The complications of my dads cocaine addiction and recovery attempt and the fallout from the lawsuit stress were a noose on my heart. The unhealed abortion grief and my parents 27 year marriage falling apart, then my mother moving away left me burning on reserves that I simply did not have. We gave 10 long and hard fought years to our relationship- 3 of which were married years. We finally broke under the weight of the constant barrage of challenges and trials. We took care of frail grandparents together on each side of our families. We grew, we fought- we shed many tears -it was heavy -and it broke. So much death, loss and destruction.
At the lowest point the enemy likes to come in like an angel of light. I was introduced to New Age beliefs. These things seemed like love and light but they were counterfeit. They promised answers and peace but never mentioned Jesus. I read book after book digging for something I would never find. I consulted astrologers for answers that would leave me unfulfilled. I was on a desperate quest for healing and looking in all the wrong places. During one of my astrology sessions the astrologer said to me that I had Jesus in the room with me and the hand signature of Elohim Himself on my life. Mind Blowing. I guess during all those fruitless searches He wasn’t going to let go and I am so grateful He didn’t.
At the tail end of my second marriage ending, A man came into my life, again without looking and again with the promise of a new beginning. I just simply didn’t stop to think if this was smart or not. I don’t think I even cared. I wanted to have love and happiness and I really wanted another child. By now my boys were 13 and 15 and I was approaching the age of that window closing. I believed this was that opportunity. He proposed in 6 weeks and we were married. I was pregnant with my daughter 2 months later. And there she was. My little girl. God Blessed me again in June 2005.