Psalm 34:18 ~ The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
How does one articulate into words what it feels like to be at the beginning of 16 years of age in the backseat of a car laying down after the most violent invasive procedure. Innocence devastated. Soul Crushed. Heart shattered. Spirit Broken. Mind Altered. These types of wounds are not for a young sixteen year old girl. What does the self do in order to survive such bone crushing pain? How does a young, smart, intelligent, beautiful girl pretend she is still intact? How does a Catholic girl ( no longer Catholic) return to her Catholic School and face her now ruined life? How does she sit in religion class while your aunt is showing pictures of dismembered babies because she is a leader in the pro life movement? How do you look at the priests with sin written in blood all over your sullen, broken face?
How do you pretend everything is Ok? Feeling guilty for even breathing or laughing. How do you look at little babies in strollers or family gatherings KNOWING full well I was carrying life inside of me. Why did I believe the lies that were told to me? Why did fear have its ugly way with me? Why
could I not focus on anything but trying to be my pre -abortion self. The everyday state of living in a personal 911- and I was my own paramedic. A broken, soul bleeding 16 year old -trying to save herself and glue herself together everyday. Do you know how exhausting that is? Everything I believed about myself and my life GONE in one day and the precious life inside of me with it. See the connection? Grief, bone crushing grief and the guilt of being a passive participator in my baby’s undeserved death. I may have been immature in some respects but the very evolved part of me knew this was so wrong and so unnatural.
I slowing began talking myself into believing the lie because suffering was becoming too much and I needed to feel whole so desperately. So I began to try to believe the few close friends that knew my secret -that I was still a good person. I accepted the forgiveness from my boyfriend who was the baby’s father. I told him approximately 2 months after the fact. I was told not to tell him before the abortion. He knew something was wrong with me by my personality change and behavior. I told him the truth and he said ” I would have never wanted you to do that”. “I know you would have NEVER done that on your own”. The power of persuasion is apparently strong in a 16 year old’s life and for anyone paralyzed in fear -and for me -wanting to please the adults who are raising you.
So I survived my junior year.. barely -and still sneaking to see my boyfriend because some bonds do not break so easily. Contrary to the minds of many fools- the intellect does not surpass the heart. At the same time my life was unraveling -so was the father of my child’s, He was getting deeper into drugs and behaviors that were far from life affirming. I am sure that the abortion drove him deeper into these choices which is supported by the data we have available and the testimony of a great guy I went to high school with- who shared with me the devastating effects of abortion behind his back while in college. You see.. abortion has a huge destructive ripple effect in our society and changes Generations. Permanently. Grief is not a one size fits all and abortion carries with it an added component which qualifies it as a complex grief. Grief has no life span and it can last forever until we are in the arms of Yeshua our Lord and Savior. NEVER tell someone to “Get Over It”. Never say that. It was said to me many times and I will tell you I do not have a close loving relationship with those individuals and they are my family members. Where there is no compassion and empathy and love relationships die. Yeshua demonstrated the greatest act of love and compassion, while we were still sinners he willingly laid down His life in the most selfless act. That is the love I now cling to everyday and He has breathed new life into me. It is in Him we live. ~ Romans 5:8.
I managed to graduate High School and I felt so relieved , no longer did I have to keep up the daily front. I was now free to…drum roll…survive some more. What I now know about my precious young girl self is that I had a form of ptsd called PAS. Post Abortion Stress Syndrome. You see trauma changes the brain and this is pure science. Please forgive yourself- all who have suffered this, it was truly out of your hands and ability to fix. However, Yeshua our Lord and Savior is the ultimate healer. ~ Isaiah 53:5.
My religion was shattered as a result of this and my spiritual self needed healing where did I turn? I will share this on my next post because the journey into Yeshua’s arms is a winding one…