In the oceanic waves and strong current there was a freedom because letting go and not fighting meant I could store up more strength. The journey God was preparing me for was soon becoming obvious and the difference between Gods light and the counterfeit was fast approaching. I needed my strength. Isaiah 4:6 ~ Psalm 107:29
Baby Maggie was born in 2005 and she was like a sweetness to my soul. A tiny daughter so feminine and pure. After her arrival I felt in my soul that my childbearing had been completed. We moved to Asheville, North Carolina to start anew and leave behind what seemed like a bloody battlefield. My wonderful boys, Drew and Christian remained home to finish high school with their friends. As much as I wanted them to move with us, I wanted them to be where they wanted to be. Sometimes love looks beyond the self and defies tradition and conventionality. Love is often broader in scope than the limited definitions we adhere to it. Ephesians 3: 14-21.
Oh how I longed for the traditional safe life. The nuclear family in a neat package. Why was this eluding me at every step? What were these destructive forces against me and my children? Why so much heartache and loss? God what is happening? Numbers 14-18~ Exodus 20:5~ Hosea 4:6. These questions get answered later. Asheville was such a beautiful, majestic place surrounded by mountains and beautiful natural landscape, a place of resting and discovering new people and things. A time to breathe. A much needed pause.
The tides quickly changed again and we were moving to Kentucky to be closer to my then husband’s family. I quickly discovered with fewer distractions and a beautiful landscape it was easier to hear the voice of God. John 8:47 says ” He that is of God heareth Gods words: ye therefore hear them not, because ye are not of God”. I soon began to take in the natural surroundings and also began a job at Appalachian Regional Hospital. I started on the ICU step down unit. My very first day involved death and sadness and I was not feeling prepared to rise to the challenge. The fragility in my own spirit from the losses thus far in my life could be felt with the atmosphere of sickness and death and quite frankly God, this was just too heavy. I began to protest to God that I cannot do this and if you really want me here then I need a confirmation or I am out.
The very next day while in the supply room I noticed all over boxes were the number 444 in big purple marker. Stunned and amazed I knew God was answering me. He clearly spoke to me and said ” You are not here for yourself you are here for them.” I was not going to let Him down this time like I had so many times before. My resolve was made to stay the course and obey. The rewards were not financial in nature they were rewards to the spiritual and strength building process that was underway. I was still a broken, battered starfish and I was meeting so many others, at the end of life or very close. The seriousness of the mission was ever present as to be a light in the dark and a tender voice in the madness. One occasion,a beautiful soul who had grown up severely oppressed by poverty thanked me and took the necklace off of her neck and gave it to me. With tears of humility and gratitude I was not going to deny her the opportunity to give. Honestly, that may have been her only necklace and it was an honor. There were many opportunities to be stretched to my capacity and to minister to others. I sat with a convicted murderer as I listened to his story and of his redemption. Who was I to judge I was a passive bystander in the death of my unborn son. One evening, I was pulled off the floor into the room of a young man who had attempted an overdose. I was to sit with him. As God would have it- a pastor was called and the three of us stayed up all night talking. The battle of Good and evil was becoming more apparent before my eyes and it was building an unknown drive inside of me. But to do what? Ephesians 4:12 ~ Hebrews 12:11.